How Can You Navigate Relationship Change When a Partner Isn’t Helping

I have had a lot of clients that come to therapy because they are having challenges in their relationships. They want their partner to do things but their partner does not seem open to change. Change is hard. I am reading an amazing book called Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections by Emily Nagoski PhD.

Here is some of the information as I understand it and how it relates to the Stages of Change Model and her work.

The Stages of Change Model (also known as the Transtheoretical Model) outlines how people move through change in any area of life — including relationships. Although it's often used in addiction or health contexts, it beautifully applies to relational growth, especially when one partner is feeling stuck, frustrated, or unsupported.

Here’s how the model can be used in therapy to help someone address the imbalance in her marriage (e.g., her husband not helping with housework or children), while honoring the reality that change takes time — and must be co-created, not forced.

Each stage below also integrates insights from Chapter 8 of Emily Nagoski’s book, Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections, which focuses on how real change happens in partnerships.

1. Precontemplation: “This Is Just How It Is”

• Change Mindset: At this stage, the client’s partner may normalize the imbalance or not see the issue for what it is. It is difficult to create a change during this stage.

• Therapeutic Goal: Gently introduce the idea that the system isn’t working — not because anyone is “bad,” but because it’s unsustainable and unfair.

• Nagoski’s Lens: Nagoski says, “The problem isn’t you — it’s the situation you’re in.” Help the person name the system, not blame herself or her partner.

• Key Message: You're not overreacting — you're waking up to a pattern that isn’t serving you.

2. Contemplation: “Something Needs to Change”

• Mindset: A partner needs to begin to recognize the problem and consider the needs of the relationship. Internal conflict is common here.

• Therapeutic Goal: Validate feelings and help explore why the imbalance persists (gender roles, communication styles, burnout). Cultivate curiosity, not blame.

• Nagoski’s Lens: Chapter 8 encourages seeing the broader dynamics: “This isn’t a broken person — it’s a broken cultural message about who’s responsible for what.”

• Key Message: You are allowed to want more. Understanding the pattern is the first real shift.

3. Preparation: “I’m Ready to Try Something New”

• Client: When a person is actively thinking about how to approach the change and shift the dynamic. .

• Therapeutic Goal: The people in the relationship needs to craft specific, doable steps: having a structured conversation, setting boundaries, or seeking a couples therapist. Normalize anxiety about change.

• Nagoski’s Lens: Change must feel safe for both partners. Nagoski says, “People change when they feel loved, not when they feel judged.”

• Key Message: You can start small — with one request, one conversation, one win.

4. Action: “I’m Doing Something About It”

• Client: The partner starts taking steps — asking for help, creating systems (e.g., chore charts or childcare sharing), or shifting their habits.

• Therapeutic Goal: Reinforce efforts and help respond to resistance without collapsing or exploding. Teach them how to navigate missteps and maintain clear communication.

• Nagoski’s Lens: Nagoski reminds us that “Change doesn’t have to be dramatic to be real.” Even micro-adjustments in behavior and language can start to shift the whole system.

• Key Message: Progress is messy but meaningful. You’re allowed to take up space and ask for equity.

5. Maintenance: “We’re Creating a New Normal”

• Mindset: The couple is learning how to keep change going — by checking in regularly, noticing when old patterns creep back in, and celebrating small wins.

• Therapeutic Goal: Help them reflect on the growth in the relationship and build resilience for setbacks. Continue working on emotional intimacy, co-regulation, and shared responsibility.

• Nagoski’s Lens: Chapter 8 emphasizes that a healthy partnership is one where both people feel safe enough to change — and that ongoing connection, not perfection, is the goal.

• Key Message: You’re building something new — together. Keep nurturing it.

Summary Chart: Stages of Change in Relational Growth

Insight

Precontemplation“This is just how it is.”Name the system, not the person.“The problem isn’t you — it’s the situation.”

Contemplation“Maybe something needs to change.”Build curiosity and self-compassion.See the cultural messages shaping behavior.

Preparation“I’m ready to try something.”Set clear, safe steps for speaking up.Change grows where love and safety meet.

Action“I’m doing something about it.”Practice, reflect, adjust.Small shifts = big systemic change.

Maintenance“We’re building something better.”Sustain momentum and celebrate progress. Intimacy is co-created, not demanded.

Change takes time, but it is worth it.